sometimes seems so meaningless. I really honestly do love being able to stay home with my children, but when I realize how much of the outside world I am missing- it really starts to dig away at me. I start to get so jealous of people who are able to do the things that I myself would love to be doing. Their joy pushes me away and makes me defensive which turns into resentment.
As you can assume, this just came up recently. I know I am still emotional from being pregnant and just giving birth, but sometimes I wonder if I can really just do this for the next how ever many years. I so dont want this coming out the wrong way though, I would do anything for my children and I want nothing more to spend all this time with them, but I also want the other part of my old life as well.
For instance...This week was CYF camp. The camp that Tim and I met at. The camp where a lot of my faith was developed. This camp has always meant a lot to me and it is something I have always felt passionate about. Of course I could not be a part of it this year since just having a baby two weeks ago, but Tim was able to go and be a part of everything. I don't see how I can ever really be much of a part of this ministry until the kids are grown but I know it is something Tim won't ever give up. He is on executive staff and gets all the fun of planning everything and just being there. I am not saying he shouldn't be there or be a part b/c I know he is an integral part and I know it means a lot to him, but I myself wish that I was in his shoes. There are so many parts of camp that I would love to be a part of that other people are filling and doing what I see as a mediocre job. I feel I could bring so much- but all my ideas always have to filter through Tim since I am not a part. Dang, even the whole idea of having the camp move to Malone was my idea, not that anyone else would know. Maybe that is my pride getting in the way, but when you are a SAHM and get little recognition, the little things become big things. I just want my life to seemingly have meaning again- like I make a difference in other people's lives.
I really tried to be supportive this week. I tried to not think about what was going on and instead focus on just being a mom. I tried to ask a few questions to show I cared but I almost didn't want to hear about anything- even though part of me did. Going out there one night really made me miss everything so much more and then having Tim run around and more or less abandon me that nite started the ball rolling. I guess I just need to realize that is a part of his life I won't ever really be able to be a part of any longer. Coming to that realization hurts and I am sure it will for a long time.
My feelings are what always ends up getting in the middle of all of our little "marital issues". I hate feeling the way I do and then I am told that I just need to get over things- which doesn't help. You don't just "get over" something when you are passionate about the issue. Somehow it always gets taken out on Tim since he is the one doing the things that I wish I were out doing. One little thing he does wrong can set me off and it all just floods out. I hate that it happens but it does. I hate hurting him and I know it does, but somehow in a twisted way, having him hurt makes up for a small fraction of the hurt and rejection I feel. It isn't right, but it happens.
Anyways...I just had to get some of that off my chest. I know that at some point Tim will end up reading this but maybe it is better that way. Things are out and I didn't have to talk. Whatever may be the case, I feel better at least putting a few thoughts in writing.
As you can assume, this just came up recently. I know I am still emotional from being pregnant and just giving birth, but sometimes I wonder if I can really just do this for the next how ever many years. I so dont want this coming out the wrong way though, I would do anything for my children and I want nothing more to spend all this time with them, but I also want the other part of my old life as well.
For instance...This week was CYF camp. The camp that Tim and I met at. The camp where a lot of my faith was developed. This camp has always meant a lot to me and it is something I have always felt passionate about. Of course I could not be a part of it this year since just having a baby two weeks ago, but Tim was able to go and be a part of everything. I don't see how I can ever really be much of a part of this ministry until the kids are grown but I know it is something Tim won't ever give up. He is on executive staff and gets all the fun of planning everything and just being there. I am not saying he shouldn't be there or be a part b/c I know he is an integral part and I know it means a lot to him, but I myself wish that I was in his shoes. There are so many parts of camp that I would love to be a part of that other people are filling and doing what I see as a mediocre job. I feel I could bring so much- but all my ideas always have to filter through Tim since I am not a part. Dang, even the whole idea of having the camp move to Malone was my idea, not that anyone else would know. Maybe that is my pride getting in the way, but when you are a SAHM and get little recognition, the little things become big things. I just want my life to seemingly have meaning again- like I make a difference in other people's lives.
I really tried to be supportive this week. I tried to not think about what was going on and instead focus on just being a mom. I tried to ask a few questions to show I cared but I almost didn't want to hear about anything- even though part of me did. Going out there one night really made me miss everything so much more and then having Tim run around and more or less abandon me that nite started the ball rolling. I guess I just need to realize that is a part of his life I won't ever really be able to be a part of any longer. Coming to that realization hurts and I am sure it will for a long time.
My feelings are what always ends up getting in the middle of all of our little "marital issues". I hate feeling the way I do and then I am told that I just need to get over things- which doesn't help. You don't just "get over" something when you are passionate about the issue. Somehow it always gets taken out on Tim since he is the one doing the things that I wish I were out doing. One little thing he does wrong can set me off and it all just floods out. I hate that it happens but it does. I hate hurting him and I know it does, but somehow in a twisted way, having him hurt makes up for a small fraction of the hurt and rejection I feel. It isn't right, but it happens.
Anyways...I just had to get some of that off my chest. I know that at some point Tim will end up reading this but maybe it is better that way. Things are out and I didn't have to talk. Whatever may be the case, I feel better at least putting a few thoughts in writing.
