The Voices Within Me

I finally went to the Eye Dr. yesterday... waayy past when I was due for an appointment. I knew I needed to go and figured my prescription had worsened (it had) but I decided that I was seeing "ok" enough to get by so I never made scheduling a priority. Finally, down to my very last contact (and even having to use the wrong prescription in one eye) I made an appointment.

Procrastinating is seemingly a big part of my life... I hold off on things until the very last minute and then scramble to rectify the situation before everything falls apart. In another, could have been seriously harmful example... we took our van into the dealership last year for a tune-up and they gave us a list of things that would need repaired in the near future. Being that we both work at lower income jobs, we usually don't have much extra money so we stretch things out as long as we possibly can. We drove all summer, went on vacation, youth trips, normal trips all over town, weekend trips, etc... and never followed up with that list more than the few inexpensive things we took care of right away. I guess we went by the "if you don't see that it is broke, don't fix it" mentality. In the last few months we could sort of feel a little grinding on our brakes and then a few weeks ago they started to screech... enough that we decided we should probably follow up on the "to do" list and get the brakes looked at. Little did we know that "little" trip to Midas would mean we would be told we were essentially traveling with little to no brakes and a slew of other issues. If only we had taken care of things last year, we might not have been out an entire paycheck of money and been putting our family at risk every time we went out for a drive.

Unfortunately, procrastination isn't just in the material things in my life but also flows through into my faith walk. I can pray more tomorrow, study the Word next week, give a little more tithe when I have more money... I put off so many things that I can, and should be, taking care of today. I always think that I will have tomorrow and therefore all0w myself to continually walk blind to the things I put off until "I have time."

God has so much more in store for me than I can even imagine and He is just waiting for me to set aside all of that stuff, take out the blurred lenses and allow him to guide my life. Instead, I have allowed myself to continue looking at life through an old prescription when by taking a small step, I could be seeing things in the beautiful light God created them in. How much of life have I allowed to pass by because I was too lazy to get up and do something and instead settled for the status quo?

As I put in my fresh new contacts tomorrow, I pray that it will be a reminder of the vivid picture God has laid out for my life. I pray that seeing clearly for the first time in "who knows how long" will inspire me to no longer put off the important things but instead take that step that enables me to embrace this wonderful thing we call life.

In the last few years I have attempted to rejuvenate my desire to run. Back when I was in high school, I was an avid runner, competing in both indoor and outdoor track up until my senior year. As I have aged, I have realized it isn't as easy to stay in shape (I can no longer eat just anything and expect the scale to not respond) so I thought running would be a perfect answer to my attempt at being a more healthy individual.
I jumped in headfirst and entered a few races (and dropped out of a few races) and thought this was the answer to my woes. Although I have taken breaks here and there (laziness and pregnancy) I have continued to plod on and this year reach my ultimate goal of 300+ miles in a year (which is a stretch for me seeing the most I have ran in a year since high school is around 70 miles).
As I worked on that goal this evening at the Y, I started thinking how although many of us may not be good "physical" runners, we are often good at "running" from things. We strive so hard to control our lives that whenever trials come, we turn and run. What are we running from... where are we running to? We run as if to forget but yet can we ever truly outrun our problems or our past? The bad thing about running is that we will all run out of steam. Unfortunately it seems that just when we are at our most worn down, the competitor gets their second wind and takes over us with nary a passing thought. It is then we need someone to pick us up, turn us around and help lead us to the finish line that we blindly passed by as we sprinted around the track another unnecessary time.
Who are you allowing to lead your run? One walks with us and is there to catch us when we stumble, the other waits until we stumble and then tramples us in the dust. One gives us strength and the other takes it away. Which one would you rather have as your coach?

There is a great song by a band called, "Forty Days" called, "I Run" I love the lyrics "But when my faith begins to fail me, and I can't find my way I run, I fall into the arms of my Father, into a Love like no other I walk, I crawl; it doesn't matter how I get here only that I can be here at all" We don't have to have designer shoes, be the pace setter, perfect form, or even a steady gait. He guides us when we can't see and allows us to curl up in his arms just as we are. Run to Him tonite instead of searching for the non-existent finish line. Allow him to take your weariness away and just take time to rest in His arms again.

"I Run 40 Days"
I've never had a day like this,
when things become so clear & I can feel you here

I've never had to pray like this;
it's all that I can do to see me through the fear

But when my faith begins to fail me,
and I can't find my way

I run, I fall into the arms of my Father,
into a Love like no other

I walk, I crawl; it doesn't matter how I get here only that I can be here at all

All that seems to cloud my mind,
is how can be I strong, and how do I move on

But I know You will never fail me,
You will be my way

Isn't being loved one of the best feelings in the world? I would venture to guess that there isn't one person who truly doesn't desire the feeling of being loved. Love provides so much (comfort, stability, trust, friendship, hope, peace...) and yet is so simple. We are born with the ability to love at it's most simplest form and are open and ready to receive it from the moment of our first breath. Young children seem to give freely of it, taking no account of a person's faults, but loving them for them. Children reach with open hands and lay their hearts on the line with little expectation of gaining something back in return.

Unfortunately, love has been cheapened throughout time and "love" has been likened to pain, hurt, despair... all of the things that love was never intentioned to be. It has become easy to flippently say "I love you" to someone, even when there are no true emotions or meaning behind the words. I can remember back to a time when a "boy" friend told me he loved me and I got seriously angry with him. Why? Because for some strange reason, I knew those words weren't meant as a symbol of our relationship but instead being used to gain something for selfish gain. Our "love" didn't last much longer after I questioned the authenticity and looking back, I am thankful for having the guts to stand up for what I believed "love" to truly mean.

For those that practice the Christian faith, (and I preface because I know I have readers that do not) Jesus is our ultimate example of love. He selfishly gave his life in order to save ours... I can't imagine that many of us would be willing to take love to that extreme. He loves (loved) each of us as we are (all dirty, broken, weary...) and never asked anything more than we accept his sacrifice and in turn share that love with others. I wish that I could have a giving, unselfish love like this... that I could look past the dirt and grime and truly begin to see others for the beautiful creation Jesus view when he looked down from the cross. I am not worthy of a love like His but I am forever thankful that he felt that I was.

*wanted to share these great song lyrics by JJ Heller*
He cries in the corner where nobody sees
He’s the kid with the story no one would believe
He prays every night, “Dear God won’t you please
Could you send someone here who will love me?”

Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means

Her office is shrinking a little each day
She’s the woman whose husband has run away
She’ll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner
Then he would’ve stayed
And she says…

Who will love me for me?
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me?
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love, what love really means

He’s waiting to die as he sits all alone
He’s a man in a cell who regrets what he’s done
He utters a cry from the depths of his soul
“Oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home”

Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said
“I know you’ve murdered and I know you’ve lied
I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you’ll listen, I’ll tell you that I...”

I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew

There is something about Mondays. Yes, I hate waking up knowing I have a limited amount of time to get my son ready for school and out the door but yet at the same time, it is sort of exciting knowing there is a fresh new week ahead- free of blemishes and disappointment. Mondays give us all a chance to start fresh, a new set of 7 days to do with as we wish, a chance to turn from the mistakes of the week before and improve so that we don't continually repeat them over and over again.
I volunteer at my son's school on Mondays, reading with his 1st grade class and assisting the teacher with little tasks around the classroom while the kids are at the library. I LOVE this chance to go in and interact with my child's classmates... kids bring a whole new perspective to life (and these are usually times that I wonder why I didn't follow my first dream and go into teaching?!?) Kids bring an innocence, an excitement for each new opportunity they are granted. I have started looking forward to Mondays and the interaction with those children, even if it is only for a short time of the day.
Instead of ho-humming and complaining at the start of a new week, look at it as a chance for a fresh start. Take this chance to make this week better than the last and embrace the life you have been given. Choose to not just "be" but "live" this week to the fullest. Make the most of the time you are given and choose to be thankful for every Monday you wake up...

into the year and most of us have already forgotten our New Year's Resolution (that is if we made any... which I have chosen not to for a variety of reasons)and so appropriately have the motivation to jump on the Lenten bandwagon of sacrifice. The failed resolutions have brought added weight, added debt, bad habits... and so the hope of a short break from those will make us feel better about what we easily tossed aside. It is that laxidasical attitude towards lent that has more or less left a bad taste in my mouth.

Lent is to be a season of preparation, of fasting, growth, and simplicity. Lent is supposed to be a reminder of Jesus' 40 days in the desert, resulting temptation and fast... and we choose to give up our favorite treats and snacks. How are these sacrifices even comparable to the torture that Jesus went through? It seems that all too often, our sacrifices are "me" centered and are chosen to benefit ourselves (how often do you hear that someone is giving up pop or gum or *insert addiction* b/c they know they shouldn't be consuming that amount of given item?) Isn't there more to Lent than giving up coffee for 40 days?

It is too easy to eliminate something negative if in the end, there is an ultimate benefit. However, how many people would willingly give up those items knowing they were giving them up indefinitely and then taking the money spent on those items and donating it to those in need? It isn't quite as easy when the "me" is taken out of the equation and replaced with "you" or "others".Lent is not our chance to ask ourselves where we need to sacrifice for a better "self" for 40 days, but instead to ask where we can sacrifice and in turn help others, where we can reach out and share the love of Christ to another.

Instead of "taking away" this Lenten season, I challenge you to "add on more" ( < = > ) but in the form of love, of giving, of branching out and looking for where you can give more than just another "resolution" that will tossed aside come April 5th. Make a change for a lasting impact... something that will last long beyond the candy that will fill the Easter baskets this coming Easter morning.

Once again, the Lenten season is upon those of us that practice the faith of Christianity. Although my church does not express the significance of Lent, I always try to take an introspective look at my life during those forty days. (not that I always succeed...)

So... today I started thinking and wondering what could be done in the time span of forty days. The same amount of time that Jesus suffered in the desert (Matthew 4:1-11, Mark 1:12-13, Luke 4:1-13), the time that Christians have set aside to prepare the believer — through prayer, penitence, alms-giving and self-denial... for the annual commemoration during Holy Week of the Death and Resurrection of Jesus.

In forty days one could...

*Rid themselves of 40 bags of clutter (http://www.connect.faithandfamilylive.com/group/40bagsin40days)

*Take 40 photos (www.thefantasticdistraction.com)

*Drink only water in order to provide water to those in need (http://www.bloodwatermission.com/fortydays.php)

*quite drinking pop, quit swearing, quit drinking, quit smoking, quit lying, quit cheating...

*take a break from facebook, or the internet, even texting...

*grow a beard, grow overweight, grow a plant...

*be born, die, give to others, take away from others, share 40 smiles, say 40 angry words...

*start a new habit, break an old one


40 days is a long time. A LOT can happen in that time. Those 40 days can be filled with good or they can be filled with bad. 40 days can be what you make of them. So... what will you those days mean to you? What will you do with the next forty days, 960 hours, 57600 mins? What if what you do the next forty days will change your life? Are you ready for that possibility? I know I am... I am just waiting to see what might be in store.