The Voices Within Me

and I can't believe that it really has been 8 years since Micah entered my life. I get tears thinking back to everything...
*the excitement of being pregnant
*the fear of being pregnant/ being a Mom
*the excitement of finding out we were having a boy... a little Beck to carry on the family name (grandpa was especially proud of that one... and that starts the tears flowing again)
*the fear when he wasn't big enough at his 20 week appt. so we had to schedule a "growth" ultrasound at 28 weeks
*the waiting
*did I mention the waiting... as his due date passed and the calendar went from February into March
*the fear of having him in the car as "Clocks" was playing on the radio and we sped to Aultman hospital at 0 dark thirty.
*the realization I truly was in labor as they let me bypass any checkin to get me to a room
*the waiting. oh... have I mentioned that already? this time watching the end of one day come and enter into another
*the horrible pain (back labor, posterior baby)
*the horrible fear as they told me there was meconium in my water.
*the horrible hunger that was NOT being quenched by the darn rep popsicle they finally allowed me
*the increasing fear as the room filled with NICU
*the frustration as I pushed and pushed and was told that he had dark hair but he wasn't moving any further down
*the desperation to get him out
*the resignation as I realized I couldn't deliver him how I had planned
*the fear as Tim signed (I was too out of it by this point) for a C-section
*the fear as Tim and I were separated until I was prepped for surgery
*the pride as they held him up for me to see
*the disbelief as they told me my "little" baby was actually 8lbs 5 ozs
*the fear as his weak/ raspy cry filled the room and NICU rushed in to intervine
*the fear as my baby was taken from me to a room far down the hall to be worked on as they wrapped up surgery on me
*the anxiousness to see my baby and only have a polaroid to hold onto as I laid sick in recovery
*the pride as I finally was reunited with my baby in NICU as they laid him on the bed next to me because I was too weak/ he was too monitored to get hold him otherwise
*the horrible pain/ weakness after the C-section and extremely high blood pressure requiring horrible meds that made me sick
*the loneliness at being separated from my newborn as he lay in NICU and I in constant monitoring of my blood pressure
*the joy at being reunited day 2... and finally learning who that little guy was that was connected for me the past 9+ months
*the fear when I was told he wasn't able to hear out of at least one ear and possible hearing loss in the other
and so on... I am sitting here sobbing now.

Micah and I had a rough start as you can see but gosh, I have loved every single second of being his Mommy. I will never forget walking into the house for the first time as a family of three. Micah had a wet diaper and being the good Mom I was hoping to be, I wanted to immediately change him. I laid him in the brand new pack and play, took off his diaper and was promptly met by a fountain. I stepped back and cried. I told Tim I couldn't do it and just sobbed and sobbed. Oh goodness- if that were only the hardest thing I would ever have to face... little did I know!!

It has been a ride, that is for sure but goodness- I have loved this ride and can't wait for all that is to come. Micah is like no other and he is such a kind-hearted kid that is so insanely smart I can barely believe he is mine somedays. I hope I am being as great of a Mom to him as he is being a kid to me and I thank God so much for choosing me to be that person in his life. I love my (not so) little Micah man and can't wait to see all that his future holds.

I took a few impromptu photos the other day to try and capture his first few days of being 8... hoping to get some better photos when it isn't raining or snowing (which may not be for a LONG time this year)




and here are a few of him throughout the years...