The Voices Within Me

It is never too late to try something new (or again in this case) Here I am... almost a year later... and hopefully a lot wiser ;) Life kept me hopping and blogging became a chore instead of enjoyment but I think I am ready to test the waters again. Instead of writing thousands of words to wrap up our last year, I am going to attempt it in just a few sentences. With that in mind...

Micah and Ad began and ended 3rd and 1st grade. Great teachers, great friends, great grades. Testing way above grade level for both and couldn't be more proud. Micah came in 2nd place in the school spelling bee... the final rounds were all against 5th graders!! Micah also ended up with perfect attendance 2 years in a row- crazy kid!!

 Si turned 3 and is a crazy, fun but ornery little munchkin. We love that kid to no end and can't imagine how boring our life must have been before he arrived. Potty training is complete and I am thankful we are through that stage of our lives. Si will be starting preschool in the fall- seems so hard to believe but he can't wait to go to school like Micah and Ad.

Ad is almost 7 and still heavily involved in gymnastics, soccer and just started softball. She loves to be active and enjoys each of her activities. Ad is also taking piano and doing quite well :)

Micah recently turned 9 and is still involved with soccer and taking piano. He still enjoys technology- in fact, he has a dream of working at Apple when he "grows up" I can totally envision this so I encourage him on and only ask that he remember us when he makes it big :)

 Being that our lives revolve around the kids... that more or less sums us up in a nutshell. Holidays came and went, Tim is another year older and I am inching that way soon enough. We have both been involved in running and overall trying to get healthier and just enjoying life together. I hope that my next post isn't a year from now, but if it is, you can always get snippets from facebook ;) In closing I will leave you with the following interviews from each kiddo...

(questions borrowed from my friend Jenn)

My favorite food is... M: Mac and Cheese A: Soup S: Raviolis
The toy I love to play with most is... M: Ipod A: American Girl Dolls S: Thomas
Something that makes me scared is... M: Nothing A: Bears S: Dinosaurs
My best subject in school is... M: Reading A: Art S: Spelling
The thing I do the most awesomely is... M: Use computers A: Gymnastics S: Jump on trampoline If I could go anywhere in the world, I’d go to... M: Disney A: Disney S: Playground
My favorite color is... M: Light Blue A: Pink S: Red
When I grow up, I’m going to become a... M: A worker at Apple A: A professional Gymnast S: Big
My favorite thing to do on the weekend is... M: Play Outside A: Lemonade Stands S: Go to the playground with my Dad
My current favorite movie is... M: Fairly Odd Movie A: Judy Moody and the Not Bummer Summer S: Toy Story
Three words that describe me are... M: Creative, cool, techie A: cute, creative, playful. S: goofy, happy, sad (LOL!) 
When I was little, I used to... M: play on the computer A: play S: cry
My favorite season of the year is... M: Summer A: Summer S: Winter
The snack I could live on is... M: French Fries A: Cheese Crackers S: Chips
The food that makes me want to puke is... M: Green Beans A: Mashed Potatoes S: Beans
My best friend is... M: Travis A: Adah S: my Dad
If I had one wish it would be... M: Be safe from Silas A: be Rich S: Get Micah (NO JOKE- this is what he said. LOLing
My best memory is... M: Lakeside A: When Silas was born and Atlantic Beach S: loosing interest at this point...
My favorite fruit is... M: Banana A: Watermelon S: Pears
My favorite thing to eat for lunch is... M: Mac and Cheese A: Hot Dog S: Candy
My favorite outfit is... M: PJs A: a dress S: Car PJs
My favorite animal is... M: Jaguar A: Puppy S: Elephant 
My favorite song is... M: anything by coldplay A: Baby (Justin Bieber) S: ABCs
My favorite books are... M: Magic Treehouse A: Judy Moody S: Toy Story
My favorite cereal is... M: Mini Wheats A: Lucky Charms S: Lucky Charms
My favorite holiday is... M: Easter A: My birthday S: Easter
The things I like to take to bed with me at night are... M: nothing A: Stuffed Dog S: Woody (toy Story toys)

wow- it is hard to believe the entire summer has passed by already and I didn't post one time. I want to say I feel bad (and I do for the memory keeping side of things) but honestly, summer is so busy that sometimes something has to go... and in this case, it was blogging. Summer went amazingly fast but hoping that during those days and months which seemed as though they would go on forever (at least in May they did) our family made memories we can look back on and cherish. Summer began with our typical Memorial Day trip to Lakeside. June brought my 31st birthday, Addie's 6th birthday and another trip to Lakeside for conference all culminating with CYF camp. Ad had a blast at her party- a typical girly party complete with lots of sugary treats, dancing and singing to Justin Bieber and silly girl talk. The highlight- Micah's presence as a "chaperone" I think he was enjoying all of the attention the girls were showing him ;) Conference was typical... kids at VBS and Tim at meetings... same ole thing. Following conference Tim and I were camp counselors for a teen camp which simply put, was amazing! July brought a bit of reprive from our busyness. The kids had British soccer camp,VBS and we went to our first "Lake County Captains" baseball game. All of the activities were fun... and we enjoyed a few lazy evenings here and there- something I wish more of the summer was made up of ;) August took us back up to Lakeside for vacation- this time with Tim's entire family joining us. Love seeing his sister from Maine- only get that chance 2x a year so we enjoy those times when they come around. Another great weather week- kids enjoyed the Lake and just basically having fun! August also brought the start of soccer (Addie/ my team: Orange Crush.... Tim/ Micah team: Blue Crew), Jump Rope (both kids) and Cheer Camp (Addie) and Ad's first sleepover at a friends house. Micah started off soccer with a bang- lots of goals scored in pre-season... hoping for a great year! So hard to believe how fast the kids are growing- while it is hard to let go I also love seeing the excitement they have for all of these new experiences. August ended with the start of 3rd/ 1st grade... which seems SO hard to believe! Both kids love their teachers and have been off to a great start. Hoping for more excellent reports :) And here we are now in September... cooler temps and lazy days home with the little guy. Soccer games have come and gone, Labor Day in Pennsylvania has passed (another fun time... esp. the shopping in Grove City!), and we are working hard at potty training the little guy. Lots and lots of photo sessions lined up in the next month and honestly, all around, life is pretty good! Looking forward to all that lies ahead... fastening in tightly because I realize how quickly it can, and will go.

The end of May brought the end of school... sort of a bittersweet moment in my life. I simply can not believe how quickly the school year passed... and with it's completion my baby girl has grown up more than I ever imagined.

Ok... now onto Mommy brag time... skip the next two paragraphs if you hate this type of stuff! Again, this is written for my record :)

Both kids had a great year this year... Micah somehow never missed a day of school (not sure if this is truly a good thing though... he was instead sick over every holiday/ trip), a member of president's club (this is a historical/geography based achievement which builds in complexity every year... this year he had to know his "place in the world... address, city, state, country, continent and so on... and locate it on a map, name and locate the 7 continents and name and locate the Great Lakes) and was one of the top grade achievers in his class (straight A's all year... 99 or 100% in everything!) He is way above grade level in reading and already preparing for 3rd grade in other subjects.

In the beginning, we weren't sure whether or not we should send Ad to Kindergarten this year... she is young for her class (not yet 6) but WOW are we glad we did! Ad went in not reading at all but an extreme social butterfly ;) She left reading at a 2nd grade (I think) level and still a social butterfly ;) Ad has tons of friends... and ALWAYS comes home with stories about boys in her class! EEKK! Actually, not too long before school ended she received a call from one of them! Oh my... we are going to have our hands full! Ad is SO excited for 1st grade- she already has favorite teachers picked out and can't wait to learn more. We definitely made the right decision in sending her to school this year! Ad had an amazing teacher and just pretty much a perfect intro to school experience!

So that brings us onto summer. As usual... we are packed heavy with tons of little things going on. I am attempting a photo a day of the kids (so far, so good!) and we are just planning on lots of relaxation and fun!

May was quiet in the beginning and then crazy busy at the end with all of the "end of the year" stuff for school and Memorial Day and planning ahead for summer. I have a ton to share about the end of school but I can't think of many highlights from the beginning so I will just share some photos and this adorable card that was given to me from Ad on Mother's day.

"My Mom is special"

My Mom's name is... Jen
She is special because... She loves me, She givs me food, She tacs (talks)
I like it when my Mom... macs(makes) me food.
My Mom can do many things!! I think she is best at... doowing (doing) the dishis.
My Mom has a pretty smile! I like to make her smile by... telling her jocs (jokes)
My Mom is as pretty as a... Flowr (flower)
My Mom is smart! She even knows... math!
I'd like to tell my Mom... I love you Mom

signed... Addie
Date... May 5, 2011


Math?!? Dishes?!? LOL Not sure what Mom she was talking about there but that surely can't be me!!

I keep thinking that I am finally catching up and then life happens and I end up a month behind again. Thankfully the beginning of May was pretty quiet so after this post about Si's birthday, I can fast forward a bit and maybe get somewhat back on track. Then again... I think I have said that before and here I stand over with over a month of posts waiting...

So April 27th closed the door on the baby stage in our lives and opened up to the wonderful toddler years. It is kind of sad to know that we are completely finished with little munchkins around here but Si is at a fun place and I am doing all that I can to cherish the days while he still allows cuddles and kisses.
After having already celebrated with my family up before Easter, Si's actual birthday brought little fanfare. We just had a little celebration here at home- but honestly, I kind of enjoyed just sharing the day with Tim and the kids. It seems so hard to believe that two years have passed, some days it feels as though it was only yesterday I was surprisingly finding out we were having the baby we had been dreaming about and praying for. He is the perfect culmination of who we are... a little piece of all of us shines through in his vibrant personality... though I fear he may have the worst of certain traits (temper, independence, etc...) he still manages to win over everyone he comes in contact with. His little dimples, bright blue eyes and curly hair add to his mischievousness- esp. when he cocks his head sideways and pulls his lower jaw out over his upper jaw and grins at you. Needless to say, it can be hard to keep a straight face when trying to correct him from misbehaving... and he knows this all too well. He pulls out one of those looks and it is easy to forget the crooked halo above his head ;)

At 2 Si weighs 29 lbs and is 33 inches tall (60th and 15th percentile) and says numerous random words and sentences. Some of his favorite sayings... "No Mama No (Complete with hand out trying to stop me from coming towards him... usually said when he is doing something wrong)" "Mama, where is Daddy" "More Jewwwww (more juice... this kid drinks like a fish") "I ewwwww (needs diaper changed)" "Where is Addie, where is bruber (Where is Addie, where is brother" "hellllllooooo" "hello (when said shortly, this means yes), "Eww ahhh ewww ahhh go! (one two, one two go!... then he runs), "Yo Gabba gabba Yo Gabba Gabba YO GABBA GABBAAHHHHH!, "BaBob Ba pants (yeah... no comment), "Cheeeeese Mama Cheee (he wants his picture taken... and after I pull out the camera he cocks his head sideways, put his lower jaw out of his upper jaw and gives me an ornery little grin) and GO!! (which means he is going to take off running anywhere but where he currently is standing!)
He likes to fake sleep (complete with snoring), eat (potato chips, green beans, mashed potatoes, broccoli, pretzels, cinnamon sugar poptarts), jump on the trampoline, climb on everything, wear everyone's shoes (but he shows a special affection to any of Addie's), watch (Toy Story 3, Yo Gabba gabba)
Si takes after Micah in his love for electronics. We have resorted to putting up the keyboard and mouse when the computer is not in use or else he will help himself to posting on whatever page we happened to have open. He LOVES phones, ipods, DS's (much to the chagrin of his siblings), tvs, and the like.
Beyong electronics... Si LOVES all sports balls and is often found kicking the soccer ball around the yard. He loves jumping on the trampoline and playing with cars (complete with sound effects) and his Buzz Lightyear toy. He is a VERY active boy but manages to always stop and give love to anyone willing to accept it :) He brightens each and every day and I can't imagine my life without him in it.


Si 2 years ago...

Si @ 1


Si @ 2 years old

Ok... so following early Easter weekend at my parents, we all headed back home for Tim's and my soccer games on Saturday nite. We had just recently started playing in N. Canton... a league totally different than the one we were used to in Alliance. During our first game that Saturday, while getting pummeled by the other team, Tim turned to kick (or something like that) and a loud "snap" echoed through the building as he fell to the floor in pain. I was sitting out on break during that time and had no idea until I saw him on the floor moaning out in pain. Absolutely great... Easter weekend... church, Easter activities, driving to his sisters... all I could envision was him in a cast. After a few agonizing minutes, he walked off the field and after sitting out for half of the game, he decided he was ok to re-enter the game (not the advice of either myself or the majority of the team) He played and seemed ok... until the next morning.

Fast forward to Easter morning... around 7:00am... Tim comes crawling into the room and tells me he can't walk- at all. After playing soccer on it the nite before, his ankle finally fell to the pressure and grew to the size of a grapefruit overnight. Needless to say, we didn't make it to church, but instead spent the morning at stat care. I admit... I was NOT nice to Tim... not at all. I understood him getting hurt but then when he decided to not go to stat care that nite and proceed to play on it... all sympathy went out the door. Yeah... not my best moment but Easter is kind of important and it just seemed it was all down the drain. Ok... enough about me... back to Tim. Needless to say, he had a sprained ankle and ended up on crutches. After everything at stat care wrapped up, we decided to go ahead and venture down to Steubenville... afterall... there wasn't much else going on since church had long since ended. It ended up being a nice day and the kids were able to have an outdoor Easter egg hunt (it ended that they each got over 50 eggs!) and we had a nice meal with Tim's family. All in all, it was a nice visit (albeit stressful at times with Tim on crutches and a VERY active 2 year old that likes to explore... as well as my desire to capture things on camera for memories sake) until time to head home. The sky was looking somewhat ominous as we left but I honestly didn't think too much of it. About 20 mins. into our drive, the sky broke open and we drove through one of the worst storms I have ever driven through (I think last year's trip to the beach was the only storm that could have topped it... driving through tornado warnings in the mountains will most likely stay at the top of my list of worst storms ever) At one point, it was raining so hard I could barely see in front of me and I suddenly saw a HUGE white flash just a few feet ahead. Lightening literally struck the road... all I could think was what if I had been going just a tiny bit faster. UGH! Thankfully we eventually drove through the storm and ended the trip with partially sunny skies. If there is one thing I dislike most in life, it would be driving in the rain and this trip cemented that permanently at the top of the list.

Ok... so quick highlights from the last two months of our lives.

End of April 2011...
Our family ventured up to Madison to have a visit/ celebrate Easter/ Si's birthday with my parents. My mom graciously made a Buzz Lightyear cake for Si (we had an early birthday celebration with my parents and brother's family) and attempted to orchestrate an Easter Egg hunt (which turned out to have to be held indoors due to rain) and overall just made our time up there wonderful (shopping and Starbucks added to that fun... who doesn't enjoy those things with your Mom?!?)
Saturday of our trip I met up with one of my oldest (not in years old... but in friendship years old) friends (ahhh... we had amazing times together as younguns... both good and bad- lol) and had the awesome opportunity to photograph her gorgeous family (and the weather even cooperated!) It was a great visit and we hope to make it back up there in July for an even longer visit.

i am not sure if I have ever taken this long of a break from my blog. i started this way back when micah was just about si's age... as a way to keep track of everything going on in our lives as well as share with family near and far. things have changed so much technology wise in the past 6 years and i find myself posting short blurbs over on facebook more often as it takes way less time to post "i can't believe si is two today" than it does to type out a post worth other people's eyes. i am disappointed that i have allowed my blogging to lapse, this blog holds treasured memories i would one day like to go back and print (i just found out there is a site that specializes in this... i am thinking it is a great investment for my collection of our lives) but it will look awful silly if i just stop in the middle of their childhood so... with that said...
i promise to be back. i promise to catch up on all that i have missed. (not that anyone else cares or really inspired me to jump back on the blogging bandwagon... this is a place for me and if others read it... that is just an added perk)
so much has happened in the past month... soccer, sprained ankles, easter, visits with family, a 2nd birthday, the beginning of the end of school, warm weather... so much that isn't/ hasn't been recorded that i need to write. stay tuned...

SI LOVES hats. Be it basketball, princess crowns, or cowboy hats... this kids loves putting them on and garnering everyone's attention. Cowboy hats incite a big "yee haw" as he lifts it off, princess crowns are usually paired with a necklace or two and basketball hats... well... I get ghetto "gang" signs flashed at me. Thankfully he not only allows me to take photos, I think this boy loves the camera... he went and pointed at my bag and said "chee" until I took it out and started snapping. Enjoy a few snapshots of my "dimpled youngsta"

Micah brought home a poem he has been working on at school. I LOVE that he is so creative and loves to read and write. I hope this continues throughout his school years. Without further ado...

I am an Artist
a poem by MB

If you are an artist, you'll think it's fun.
You'll be really sad when you are all done.
You can do it at home, when you're all alone.
If you make it all colorful, you'll think it's wonderful.
It's mostly for books, made in some nooks.
If you did it right, or something great, you'll feel good on how it looks.
You can work with an author, to make a good book.
When you publish it, it'll be took!
People will like your pictures, before you have time to make really awesome figures!
It is so great to become an artist.
If you are really good, you could even be the smartest!

Another grey day in Ohio... I am beginning to think the sun shines less here than any other state. Supposedly Washington (I think that is what it is) is the rainiest state but goodness- I think Ohio could give them a run for their money. Grey days make me want to stay in bed with the covers over my head until the sun peeks through the clouds. Unfortunately, that would probably be so long I would have bed sores so I drag myself out and try to be thankful that we do have rain which will in turn bring new life... at some point anyways ;)
Ad is home sick today... I am not sure how sick she really is but sometimes it is just good to play hooky- right?!? She has had a very low grade fever off and on the past two days but it spiked last nite to 102 so I figured a day resting at home would do her some good- even if she is still wanting to do school work (we are currently playing school... we have done reading and writing and headed to arithmetic) It is times like these that I truly cherish being a Mom... we are having a great time learning together... even if it is oft interrupted by Si driving a car over her head or across her paper ;)
Tomorrow will be a new day and hopefully this little bug will be gone and life can return to normal but until then, I will be thankful for sharing this grey day with two of my munchkins that bring sunshine even when there is nothing but grey outside of our windows.

and I can't believe that it really has been 8 years since Micah entered my life. I get tears thinking back to everything...
*the excitement of being pregnant
*the fear of being pregnant/ being a Mom
*the excitement of finding out we were having a boy... a little Beck to carry on the family name (grandpa was especially proud of that one... and that starts the tears flowing again)
*the fear when he wasn't big enough at his 20 week appt. so we had to schedule a "growth" ultrasound at 28 weeks
*the waiting
*did I mention the waiting... as his due date passed and the calendar went from February into March
*the fear of having him in the car as "Clocks" was playing on the radio and we sped to Aultman hospital at 0 dark thirty.
*the realization I truly was in labor as they let me bypass any checkin to get me to a room
*the waiting. oh... have I mentioned that already? this time watching the end of one day come and enter into another
*the horrible pain (back labor, posterior baby)
*the horrible fear as they told me there was meconium in my water.
*the horrible hunger that was NOT being quenched by the darn rep popsicle they finally allowed me
*the increasing fear as the room filled with NICU
*the frustration as I pushed and pushed and was told that he had dark hair but he wasn't moving any further down
*the desperation to get him out
*the resignation as I realized I couldn't deliver him how I had planned
*the fear as Tim signed (I was too out of it by this point) for a C-section
*the fear as Tim and I were separated until I was prepped for surgery
*the pride as they held him up for me to see
*the disbelief as they told me my "little" baby was actually 8lbs 5 ozs
*the fear as his weak/ raspy cry filled the room and NICU rushed in to intervine
*the fear as my baby was taken from me to a room far down the hall to be worked on as they wrapped up surgery on me
*the anxiousness to see my baby and only have a polaroid to hold onto as I laid sick in recovery
*the pride as I finally was reunited with my baby in NICU as they laid him on the bed next to me because I was too weak/ he was too monitored to get hold him otherwise
*the horrible pain/ weakness after the C-section and extremely high blood pressure requiring horrible meds that made me sick
*the loneliness at being separated from my newborn as he lay in NICU and I in constant monitoring of my blood pressure
*the joy at being reunited day 2... and finally learning who that little guy was that was connected for me the past 9+ months
*the fear when I was told he wasn't able to hear out of at least one ear and possible hearing loss in the other
and so on... I am sitting here sobbing now.

Micah and I had a rough start as you can see but gosh, I have loved every single second of being his Mommy. I will never forget walking into the house for the first time as a family of three. Micah had a wet diaper and being the good Mom I was hoping to be, I wanted to immediately change him. I laid him in the brand new pack and play, took off his diaper and was promptly met by a fountain. I stepped back and cried. I told Tim I couldn't do it and just sobbed and sobbed. Oh goodness- if that were only the hardest thing I would ever have to face... little did I know!!

It has been a ride, that is for sure but goodness- I have loved this ride and can't wait for all that is to come. Micah is like no other and he is such a kind-hearted kid that is so insanely smart I can barely believe he is mine somedays. I hope I am being as great of a Mom to him as he is being a kid to me and I thank God so much for choosing me to be that person in his life. I love my (not so) little Micah man and can't wait to see all that his future holds.

I took a few impromptu photos the other day to try and capture his first few days of being 8... hoping to get some better photos when it isn't raining or snowing (which may not be for a LONG time this year)




and here are a few of him throughout the years...

I have a little girl that is simply adored by her baby brother. I don't think she can do wrong in his eyes... I snapped this picture of Ad helping Si try to ride the tricycle. He wanted NOTHING to do with my assistance... only called out for his "Ahhhh deeeeee" (and this is proof that there was at least one day without snow on the ground!)


(btw... can I just say that I LOVE the instagram app on my phone?!? I have had it for less than a week and I am already addicted!)

Another Valentines Day has come and gone and with it a lot of money spent on flowers, candy and the like. Honestly, I think Valentines Day is silly (and I already know there are numerous people whom disagree with me... and that is ok) ... but why do we need a special day to say "I love you" to the one we love? I mean... I LOVE making Valentines with the kids, having them get all giddy while reading what their friends sent to them, buying them a special little treat and shopping with Ad while she buys her Daddy a special Valentine BUT why does that need to start and end on a particularly grey day in the middle of February? Shouldn't we be sharing that same love every day of the year?
If we truly Love, it should not be an action of convenience... but instead something we strive to share in our day to day life. I know it is easy to make excuses (too tired, not enough time, love isn't being reciprocated, no money...etc...) but it really is the little things that count. The little note of encouragement, the extra homemade treat after school, hearing about your families' day at school/ work, the time spent talking with a good friend... the little things that show that there is meaning beyond the Hallmark Card purchased for $4.50 at the grocery store (probably last minute...) I know that is my goal and I hope something that I pass down to my kids and they then pass down to their children. I am sure those actions will be more fondly remembered than the pack of gum and candy they received on February 14th.

I started my morning with my usual perusal of blog reading... you know... updating myself on the current happenings of everyone else's life while Silas watched yet another episode of "Yo Gabba Gabba" I learned more about a sweet little 6 year old girl named Kate and her fight against recurring brain cancer, saw photos of friend's little cuties, learned how to create the perfect Valentines Day party, read about the Bachelor's final pick, and then stumbled upon SCL and read through John's entry about God's love...


Copied and pasted from
SCL "The Problem with the Pigpen"

I’ve been doing regular quiet times.

I’ve been meeting for breakfast with a good friend I trust.

I finished the first two versions of my next book.

I took my kids on dates and made more time for my wife.

I lost 10 pounds and have been eating healthier.

I was mentally reviewing that list in my head the other night walking out of the office when I bumped into a tragic lie I was unaware I still believed.

As I left work, I thought to myself, “God must be really happy. He must really love me right now.” In the space of a single stride, I felt like God leveled a long held belief and asked me simply, “Did I love the prodigal son more when he was in the pigpen or in my arms?”

Ugh. Sometimes I feel like those old commercials where they say, “I’m not a doctor but I play one TV.” Only I would say, “I’m not a Christian, I just play one on a blog.”

Why? Because my thought that God loves me when I have a “good month” is so opposite of what grace is. In my version of the prodigal son story, I am covered with mud. From a long way off I can see the father’s angry face. He is enraged. He is disgusted with me. His scowl seems to radiate from miles as I walk. As I walk, I shout out promises to him:

“I’ll do better this time!”

“I’ll stop being so cocky!”

“I won’t mess up again!”

“I’ll stop gossiping!”

“I’ll be more consistent with my quiet time!”

“I’m sorry!”

With each step, every shout, his face shifts a little. His anger seems to dissipate the closer I get and the louder I make my promises. I walk and shout, shout and walk until at last, I cross his property line and collapse on his farm. Not in his arms, but at least in his presence.

He gives me his love, in the form of a shiny token. I clutch it close and swear to never lose sight of it again. For weeks, I hold my breath, afraid to mess up. For weeks I white knuckle my way through life convinced that living on the farm is about being perfect, not forgiven. I hold it together. For a while at least, but then the pressure of performing crushes me. Being perfect gets so heavy. I can’t do this. I can’t.

So I lean on the fence and look back over the horizon to the pigpen. I just want to relax. I can’t be perfect. This feels really hard. So late one night, when I think everyone is asleep, I use the token, the coin that is God’s love to prop open the gate. I can just barely squeeze through the gap if I’m willing to leave the father’s love propped in place.

And then I’m gone, running out into the night, the father’s love, the coin, the thing I earned left far behind. I deserved it when I was perfect, I lost it when I was not. Weeks or months later, I’ll realize the misery of the pigpen again and start to walk back home. And the cycle continues.

I’m tired of that kind of faith. I’m tired of believing in a God who gives “sometimes love.” As in sometimes he loves me, sometimes he does not. And above all, I’m tired of believing in a God who does not love sinners. Especially since there are a billion verses in the Bible that say just the opposite. One of my favorite is Matthew 9:10-13.

“While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew’s house, many tax collectors and sinners came and ate with him and his disciples. When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?”

On hearing this, Jesus said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice. For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”

Falling down, being broken and a sinner doesn’t prevent me from his love, it makes me perfect for his love. It makes me exactly who Christ came for, not the righteous, but sinners. And it’s not a gift he gives once, because I sacrificed and had a good January. It’s a gift he gives continually, like mercy.

Why?

Because he loves us.

In his arms.

In the pigpen.

He loves us.

WOW. Simply wow. I sat pondering through millions of thoughts running through my head. I thought about the days I get frustrated with the kids. I thought about my desire to always have it together... to show that I don't hurt, that I don't fail. I thought about how I judge my own life on merits of goodness rather than basking in His love that is readily available. Do I (we) truly believe He loves us in both the good and bad? Do I (we) truly trust that sometimes giving what we have to give is ok instead of depleting every energy reserve we have to impress others? I know I have a lot to learn in this area and I want to be able to have people look at me (my family) and not see someone who is just holding it together, but someone that puts God first above all else and lives a life of faith day in and day out, through the sunshine and even in the pigpen. He is a God of love and sometimes love is messy... the neat thing is... there isn't a mess too big to keep Him away.

If you don't know what photo booth is... well you are missing out. (so says my 21 month old) He and I had quite a blast playing around tonite...